Hurt Me
by Jay DeMoir
Summary: Meredith and Derek are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship.
1. Chapter 1: Hurt Me

Hurt Me

Meredith Grey walked along the sidewalk one cold, winter evening, Derek Sheppard right beside her.

Tears were streaming down her face. She was so emotional. Even though her hair was in a ponytail, it was a mess still.

She wrapped her arms around her to warm her body as the wind slammed into her.

"I'm standing at the fork in the road, and I don't really know which way to go. It's like 12 years ago all over again, and I'm a little girl lost alone. And, yes, I wanna know what lies ahead; and, yeah, my feet are planted & I don't wanna take a step."

"Meredith, why are you rambling?? What's wrong?" he asked, looking at her at he fixed his scarf around his neck.

"No,no, Derek. I'm not rambling….I'm trying to tell you something….I won't make it any further with you on my back---  
carrying your burden---I can't do it this time. I don't want to say that this is a goodbye, but then again, do I listen to my heart, or your cry for help?"

He stopped walking and turned to her. "**WHAT?!?!** Meredith…I-I've _never_ asked you to carry my burdens. They things I go through are for ME to handle! Y-You don't have to."

"I keep second guessing myself. Why does it have to be so hard to let you go?" Meredith stopped walking and the wind rustled her clothing and her hair. They'd been walking for over an hour, talking, and the pain of this conversation was resting on her chest, making it hard for her to breath.

She looked up to the sky, the tears shining on her face. "It's almost sun down and, I've gotta put my foot down. And I know if I do, it's gonna hurt me, more than it hurts you." She reached out and cupped his face with her cold hands. "Derek…I love_ you so much_! I know how much you need me. This is breaking my heart, believe me, but I've got to do this for _**ME**_!"

He looked at her, astonished. "Why now, Meredith? Why now? After ALL that we've done to make it work??"

She shook her head. "Ordinarily I wouldn't give up, I'm no quitter,  
but under the circumstance, I think it's better that I wash my hands of you, for the moment, until you're stronger. I love you, Derek, but I can't allow you to pull me down with you in this downward spiral. I've stuck with you through it all, but I'm thinking that I can't live with you like this. And I know I can't live without you. There's something about you that makes me want to stick around and stay settled down… even if it kills me, but I can't do this anymore.….This is going to be so hard for me…as it will you. "

"Meredith, _please_, I never beg, but…_please_….I can't do this alone. With all these deaths, mostly because of me, I-I---"

She put a finger to his lips to silence him. A lone tear escaped his eye. She slowly reached forward and kissed his cheek softly, closing her eyes as she did so.

Then, she turned and walked off, trying her best to hold herself together. She pushed through the tears that threatened to break her down. It hurt her, so much to leave the man that she'd come to call _the love of her life._

But for her own good, it was something she needed to do.

_It's hurting me already_, she thought to herself as she walked onward, heading through the streets of Seattle.

Derek stood where she'd left him, shocked, his jaw dropped at something that he still hadn't comprehended. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a little black box.

As he raised it to his face, he opened it, revealing a diamond ring that would make celebrities melt. He looked at the engagement ring then watched as Meredith moved further and further away, and in turn, further and further out of his life….


	2. Chapter 2: Three Days Later

Three Days Later

[Three days later] Meredith plopped onto her bed and cried. She'd never felt so lonely. She had been avoiding Derek at work and ignoring his calls.

It was driving her insane. She didn't want to be away from Derek, but at the same time, she needed to be.

__________

Derek sat at his home writing a letter to Meredith that he would drop in her mailbox. The letter read:

_Dear Meredith,_

_I miss you so much. I wish we could at least talk to one another...at least on occasion. It's been nearly unbearable me for, this break-up. I need you in my life. It feels like we've been apart for some light years._

_It feels like there's a crater in my heart that's filling with my tears. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want you back in my world again._

_It just seems like we kind of like we faded away; and now I feel so alienated. Don't you feel so alienated? It's like I can't connect with the real world anymore, I don't want to. It seems like…__**you**__ were my conduit._

_I miss you and I want you back. It's like I lost your signal, and I'm asking 'where are you at?'_

_And I don't know how we lost contact. I never see you at work. And I constantly ask myself where did you go? I'm searching for you._

_Can't get you out of my system, and quite frankly, Meredith, I don't want to. Now, I'm just sitting here, watching time passing by me. And I hear the voices in my head asking why me?_

_I'm here wishing you would stop by my place, but now we don't even talk is on MySpace._

_Now, I find myself waking up, reaching for you when you're not there. It's like you've got me in another galaxy._

_I miss you so. I love you still. Meredith, I'm sorry for the months I gave you the cold shoulder, the days I complained about nothing, and the days that I didn't give you all the attention you deserved._

_I'm sorry for everything that I did that I shouldn't have, rather I realized it or not._

_I miss you and I need you back._

_Sincerely, _

_Derek Sheppard__  
_


	3. Chapter 3: Tell Him the Truth

Tell Him the Truth

Meredith found Derek's letter in her mailbox the next day, and yes, she read it. She shed some tears and it made her feel guiltier then she thought it would.

Her mind was just moving. She had decided to talk to Derek the next day; she'd confront him and tell him the truth. She was rehearsing her lines in her head.

_If you thought that I was perfect, Derek, you were wrong. I'm far from that. There's one thing that I've done to you that I regret. _

_Look i know its no excuse, but I'm only human, and young at that…. So I'm gonna make mistakes and I hope you understand_ .

_I didn't see it coming, and I swear it wasn't on purpose. Derek, I promise, I didn't mean to hurt you. _

_Will you forgive me? You didn't deserve this. What I did wasn't even worth it._

"I'm going to tell him the truth." _When I'm ready to._ "The voice in my head says _Tell him the truth_, some how. I've got to tell him the truth. That's what I've got to do. I'm going to tell him the truth, but not now. I'm just going to wait a little bit, because I know he couldn't handle it."

The next day she moved closer to him, her lab coat flowing in the wind. "Derek," she called.

He turned around, surprised to hear her voice. _"Meredith!"_

She lifted the letter out of her coat pocket and showed it to him. "I got your letter, and I appreciate it---"

"Well, I'm glad—"

She held up a hand to silence him. _I_ _didn't see when I had tears rolling down my face. _She turned her back.

The words were heavy on her tongue.And, just then Derek knew that something was wrong.

Meredith _was _about to break open, spill out everything, but something said, "_Meredith wait, things are going great, what you gonna say?"_

She turned back around and faced Derek, tears rolling down her face. "I love you…but I've messed up….The reason we broke up wasn't your fault…but _mine_._"_

His eyes grew wide. "What are you talking about?"

"I made a mistake, I slipped up. I didn't see it coming, it wasn't on purpose. Derek, I _promise._"

He reached out and grasped her with both of his arms. 'Meredith, tell me what's wrong." He looked into her eyes, searching for the truth, but what he found; looking back at him was…_nothing_. It was like Meredith wasn't there.

And that scared him.

"I feel less than nothing," she softly said, "lower than zero, and tired of fronting. Guess I've been waiting for the stars to align, but there's no perfect time. It's hard to build the truth on a lie."

"Meredith, you're scaring me…just tell me."

She looked away, silent tears falling_. I'm crying, I'm crying!_ _I'm so scared_! Oh! The voice is telling me "_tell him the truth_."

"I've gotta tell you!" _What do I do?_

_Silent tears continued to fall from Meredith's eyes and as she looked __**over**_Derek's shoulder, and passed him, she saw _HIM_…_**Alex!**_

He heart sunk within her chest. _No._

Derek noticed that her glance was no longer focused on him, so he followed her gaze and saw him as well_._

Then, it snapped in his head. He turned back to Meredith. His eyes were filled with confusion and understanding at the same time. "Meredith??"

She looked at him and she could tell that he was pleading with her to lie.


	4. Chapter 4:Wrong When You're Gone

Chapter 4: Wrong When You're Gone

So…it came to pass. It was now Derek's turn to avoid Meredith. The pain was to much to bare. She'd cheated on him…and with _**Alex**_ of all people!

She felt lower then zero. But one thing that she'd decided to do was leave him a voicemail:

"Guess I should've shut my mouth, but I had to get it out. So much for being head-strong. Huh? Now I'm, going halfway out my mind. I know I was out of line. And Derek, I'm so sorry for that. No, scratch that I was dead wrong.

"But I know I should've let it go, but I just had to be right. Could've left it alone,  
but no I just had to be right. I couldn't stand for you not to know the I, would've fell back if I knew all I'd be left with. Because now…you're gone."

She took a deep breath. "I just know that now, I'm backing down this time. I don't wanna fight. I don't care who's right. Cuz, I'm wrong when you're gone….It doesn't matter that I was wrong, or if you were wrong. We were _both_ wrong."

She brushed her hair back and continued. "Heaven knows that if you were here with me, I'd be on my knees apologizing for everything I've done. I know I pushed you away, but I swear I'm going to do better….I just need to hear your voice….Derek I miss you…"


	5. Chapter 5: Ugly

Ugly

Meredith was just starting to realize that she didn't need Derek. Her life was moving forward while he was steadily going back.

Since their break-up, it had been rumored that he'd had an affair with more then two of the nurse.

So, one day, after she'd had enough of the rumors, she decided to send him a VERY lengthy text message….

_I used to think that you were beautiful and now sometimes I'm scared at just the sight of your face. It's like the monster that I thought was in my closet and I wished I could call my daddy to scare him away. So, now you're hanging out at night with the ghouls and goblins. You used to be just like prince charming now you got me screaming for help._

_I used to think that you were pretty. I used to think that you were beautiful. It used to be just like a fantas,y but now it's nothing, but a horror movie picture show. Cuz now, you're so ugly._

_You're so, U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi you ugly._

_I used to think you were my knight in shining armor just to find out that chivalry's dead. Just when I thought I had my feet on the ground I turn around it's all up in the air._

_Now it's beauty & the beast when you are changing like the seasons, plus the rumors make you look like Freddie Kruger, so I'm sorry. Ypu've just turned into someone I can't stand._


	6. Chapter6:Kill Me Now,Save Me the Trouble

Kill Me Now, Save Me The Trouble

_November 18, 2007_

"Meredith," Derek called, trying to catch up to her as she walked through the halls of Seattle Grace. "Meredith!!"

He ran down the corridor, his white lab coat flowing. "Wait up!"

She turned to face him, her hair spinning with her. She brushed it back. "WHAT, Derek!!? What do you want?"

"I want to TALK! Text messaging isn't talking! I…I think we need to talk."

She sighed and looked at him, planting her hands into her pockets. "I don't know what else we can talk about, Derek, but…what do you want to discuss?"

"Could you not be so---"

"Talk, Derek! I'm not on lunch break!"

He looked at her, appalled at her attitude. "Meredith…I just think that we need to become friends, at least. I mean, we work together and…I-I just feel a…disconnect."

Since she'd slept with Alex that ONE night, her life had been a living hell. Meredith Grey wasn't able to recover from her recent break-up from Derek Sheppard, and since their split, so much had changed.

She'd been depressed and then she'd been pissed off at him, then she felt guilt. And NOW, what she was filling was something she couldn't quite explain.

Here she was, filling lower then zero, and wishing that she and Derek could work it out, but as he stood in front of her, there was something inside of her that wouldn't just let her…_TALK_.

She needed him in her life, and she wanted him…but she couldn't let go of the past…and it made her wish that she could just DIE!

She couldn't accept the fact that she'd cheated on a man that she'd wanted to be her husband. She couldn't move on from that, and I guess, deep inside of her…she felt that Derek wouldn't forgive her for the mistake she'd made.


	7. Chapter 7: Girlfriend

_Girlfriend_

Derek was done with trying to reach out to Meredith. He was feed up….It was time to move on. He lay in bed…thinking….

_I gotta slow down, and find the one that's right for me. I'll be on the look out. Please, God, tell me where could she be….  
I'm sick and tired of struggling, and I still can't find the one. When I find that perfect woman, I swear that I'm done.  
These phonies make it hard to see, please reveal yourself to me.  
I know she's waiting for me I believe…._

Derek picked himself up, dressed, and headed to the club.

So many gorgeous women were there.

_Is she on my left? Is she on my right? Is she in the middle? Is she here tonight? I've been searching high and low. But, I don't wanna search anymore.  
I need a girlfriend._

A blonde bombshell with cleavage from Tennessee to Mexico strolled passed Derek and grinned at him; he turned and followed her with his eyes, smiling back at her.

_Something's in the air tonight. I don't wanna fool around anymore, I'm on the biggest mission of my life. Where is she? Could she be here tonight?_


	8. Chapter 8: Walking on Snow

_Walking on Snow_

_December 3, 2007_

So much had transpired between Derek and Meredith over the last couple of weeks. They'd tried to reconcile, but it just wasn't working. Neither was gaining a life, and both were paying the price of not having the other in their life.

It was Meredith's off day, and she lay in bed, thoughts racing, but she was mainly thinking about Derek….

_You find the words but all they do is...ricochet…. You think I'm paying the price, but its not costing just me…but both of us. You're love wasn't a waste of time, you've been left behind, and I'm falling apart. You made such a mark on me, you're gone and you left no sign and I'm feeling so…empty. You're the only thing on my mind, and all I want to do is try to press rewind._

_When I was flying high you tried to clip my wings, but I see that it was when you were down. You tried to make it up to me, but I wasn't seeing that you were trying…but I see it now._

Meredith sat up, and it all began to make sense…the pieces were coming together. She ran to her window and pulled back the curtain. It was snowing outside…but she had to do something.

She ran downstairs and grabbed her coat and a hat. All she was dressed in was her pajamas, but she didn't care. It all made sense to her now. She pulled on a pair of running shoes, and she dashed out the door, ignoring Izzy's voice calling out to her, wondering what she was thinking going outside in 23 degree weather with what she had on.

Meredith's hair was a curly, tangled mess, but she didn't care. She took a deep breath and took off running. She had to get to Derek. The wind slammed into her, icy, bringing the tears that wanted to flow out to the surface.

She ran and ran, even after her lungs began to burn. Even after she felt like her body was about to freeze, she pushed herself to go further. She had a goal, and she had to perform it.

She ran and ran, heading to Seattle Grace.

"Grey!" Bailey yelled as Meredith ran through the ER.

Meredith turned around, but didn't stop running. She ran backwards. "I can't stop, Bailey!" she yelled. "Where's Derek!!?!"

"Grey!?! What are you doing?"

Meredith turned around and ran correctly. "I've gotta find Derek!"

Bailey shook her head and turned her attention to the patient. "Residents," she said.

Meredith ran and ran. And then, she saw him, turning the corner, Mark right at his side. The two were talking.

"Derek!" she yelled, her heart pounding inside her chest.

He looked up, startled. She was racing towards him. "Meredith?"

She ran straight into him, but they didn't fall. She grabbed his face and kissed him, passionately, his warm lips heating her cold ones.

Derek was so confused, but after awhile, it didn't matter, he wrapped his arms around her and they kissed.

"I love you so much, Derek Sheppard!! And I'll never let you go!! I love you!"

"Meredith!"

She wrapped her arms around him, and Mark just stood there, puzzled.

Derek slowly pulled away. "What made you change your mind?"

Meredith looked into his eyes, her breathing erratic and said, "You."

His eyes grew big. "What do you mean?"

"I finally figured out that we're not perfect. We make mistakes, but that can't stop me from loving you and you loving me….Derek, I'm so sorry for everything I took you through…I love you…Derek, _YOU_ changed my mind." Then, she pulled him close to her, and she kissed him.


End file.
